Courtship is when a couple develops a relationship before getting married and provides them time to discover, consider, and evaluate their compatibility as potential lifelong partners. During this important stage, it’s unwise to spend all of the exciting, adrenaline-pumping time wowing on physical features and dress sense without asking some fundamental and valid questions. Leaving things down to assumption can lead to frustration further down the line and possible heartbreak. However, it’s good to note that even when asking all the need to know questions, it doesn’t make for a perfect relationship, but it does allow you to both make a more informed decision to continue on or not.
So, what are the questions to be asked besides favourite colours, football teams, and pet peeves?
Read on for 25 questions to ask your potential #BaeForLife during courtship.
(While this list is not exhaustive, it’s an excellent place to start, above all through prayer, allow God to direct the conversations)
1.) Spirituality
Ask about their spirituality because it’s imperative to know what or who they worship because we are spiritual beings created to worship. Knowing if your potential life partner is of the same spiritual beliefs as you is extremely important because it will affect many areas of your lives together. Scripture explicitly tells us not to be unequally yoked ( 2 Corinthians 6:14-16 ) so avoid being blindsided with a revelation that they are not on the same spiritual page.
2.) Debt
Ask about the state of their finances; are they in debt? If so, what is the cause of the debt, such as student loans, credit cards, or a mortgage? Then, depending on which kind of debt they have, ask if there is an active action plan to settle the monies owed.
3.) Finances
Will your finances be shared in a joint account or separate? Finance is an area where many married couples end up at loggerheads, so be sure to discuss prior. For example: What happens if the woman is the home’s breadwinner? Will the husband support the wife if she wants to be a housewife and vice versa? How much should be saved and towards what? Will you give to a charity or regularly support a family member? Should there be a budget for expensive purchases per year?
4.) Family Relationships and Traditions
Are their parents cohabiting, married or divorced, dead or alive? How many siblings? Do they get along with their parents and siblings? How close are they to their mother or father? Are either or both parents deeply hands-on in any areas of their life that may flow into marriage? Are they estranged from any family members or engaged in any conflict? Do they celebrate birthdays or observe any holidays such as Christmas or Easter together? Knowing this gives you insight into whether you can keep up with any demands on family gatherings or which areas may be sensitive due to ongoing issues.
5.) Upbringing and Values
What was their childhood like? What culture and values were instilled in them growing up? Knowing what was sown into the life of your potential life partner from childhood is essential as it can help identify, address, and help with understanding perspective and character traits along with praying about any negative strongholds.
6.) Health and Hygiene
It is not offensive to ask questions relating to health and hygiene, and you’ll thank yourself that you did. During the courtship stage, you may not (should not ideally) be living together, so you would not be privy to knowing by seeing how many showers or the lengths of showers your partner takes. How often do they visit the dentist? Do they have any health issues past or present? Is there a history of any terminal illnesses or medical problems within the family? What is their blood type? Are they a sickle cell carrier?
7.) Sex and Sexuality
While there are definitely some questions you do NOT need to ask at this stage, such as sexual positions or what you may want to do with each other etc., do not avoid talking about some areas of sexuality. For example, have they ever been sexually active? If yes, how long ago was their last sexual encounter? How many sexual partners have they had? What are their thoughts on celibacy and waiting for marriage? Have they ever had attractions to the same sex? If yes, did they act upon it? Do they masturbate or watch pornography? While it may be better to wait until marriage to decide how often you will have sex (frequent good sex is advisable), it’s ok to discuss instances where sex may be abstained from for reasons such as fasting.
8.) Accountability
Who do they speak to when in trouble or may have done something wrong? Do they have anyone who holds them accountable and to a higher standard. Who do they listen to that gives godly counsel and promotes righteousness? Who looks out for them and can bring correction when at fault? Do they seek anyone for counsel on issues they may feel overwhelmed by or unsure about?
9.) Pre Marital and Marriage Counselling
Ideally, if in the courtship stage, there should already be someone or a couple who can help guide the courtship with godly pre-marital counselling. If not, who can you go to as a couple to discuss sensitive subjects or issues? Will you have individual counsellors, joint counselling or have both?
10.) Relationship with the Church and Ministry
Do they attend a church? If so, for how long? Are they involved in any ministry? Do they travel outside of your home country to minister? If so, how often? Do they hold an official title within the church? How engaged in church services are they, once, twice, three times a week etc.? What church will you attend as a married couple? Do they take sabbaticals away from church? If so, for what reason, how often and for how long?
11.) Giving and Spending Habits
What are their thoughts on generosity? Do they give to those they see in need? Do they pay their tithes and regularly offer in the house of God? Do they expect to pay bills within the household or for leisure and entertainment? What are their thoughts on buying gifts and spending money on non-essential things? Do they spend money on gambling or excessive in-app purchases?
12.) Trauma
While a touchy area, knowing about any unresolved trauma in the life of your potential life partner will do you good, as it helps you have a point to pray and offer compassion when they may struggle. Have they experienced any trauma in life? Whether that’s emotional, spiritual or sexual?
13.) Gifts and Talents
Ask about any gifts, talents or special abilities they have? Do they use them? Do they desire to pursue a career with any? Do they actively stir up any spiritual gifts and use them to glorify God? Knowing this helps you to offer support to maximise their potential.
14.) Love Language
Speak with your partner about what makes you feel valued, important, acknowledged and loved. Make a list so you are reminded of how they feel appreciated. Above all, through prayer and the grace of God, the ultimate goal is to love with the God kind of love. Scripture encourages us in 1Corinthians 13:4-8 and Ephesians 5:22-33.
15.) Children and Discipline
One of the fruits of marriage is children, and while some struggle to bring forth children, it’s good to discuss the prospect of having children. Do they have any children already? If so, what is the relationship like with the child’s parent? How many children do they want to have with you? Is fostering or adopting an option? How will you discipline your children?
16.) Temperaments
Are they an introvert or extrovert? Do they tend to draw away and be quiet for periods of time? How do they deal with anger or sadness? Having a heads up on their dispositions helps when specific characteristics are displayed.
17.) Preference on Conflict Resolution
When having a heated disagreement, how do they prefer to handle the situation that leads to resolution? Do they like to talk things through or prefer to move on without addressing?
18.) Long Term or Short Term Self Development Plans
Do they have plans to upskill? Do they want to go back and study for a degree or PhD? Are they planning to enrol in any courses or attend any further schooling? Will it be in your home country or abroad?
19.) Traveling
What countries do they want to visit? Do they have a passport? How often do they want to go on vacation? Maybe they have always dreamt of going skiing in the Swiss Alps or deep-sea diving in the Maldives. Whatever is on their travel bucket list or the limitations to travel, it’ll be good for you to know!
20.) Gender at Birth
In 2022, this is not a crazy question nor offensive to ask at all. I think that’s enough said there.
21.) Food
Do they have any intolerances or severe allergies? Will they expect frequent home-cooked meals or prefer to take away or dine in a restaurant? What are their favourite foods or foods they really do not like?
22.) Responsbilities at Home
Who will pay what bills? Who will take out the trash? Who will do the laundry? When one gets tired, will the other help or outsource help? Such as a cleaner, caterer or close family friend or relative.
23.) Vision for the Family
What do they envision for the family? Where do you plan to live? Are there plans or dreams to migrate?
24.) Habits and Addictions
Do they have any bad or seemingly good habits? Do they snore or forget to flush the toilet? Are they constantly scrolling social media or watching Youtube or Netflix? Do they drink, smoke or do any recreational drugs? Are they dependant on any medicines outside of a prescription?
25.) Wedding
The general goal of any courtship is marriage, so feel free to ask if they want a lavish wedding? Would they prefer just a registry? Do they want to get married abroad? How many guests do they plan to have? What is their ideal budget for a wedding?
There are many more questions that can be asked during courtship, but hopefully, this list helps aid the process of getting to know the person you may end up spending the rest of your life with! In the midst of asking all of these questions, ask the Holy Spirit to guide and lead you both as you journey toward holy matrimony.
Words by Dara Olagbami
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