GRACE Magazine - Diary Entry: A girl in need of grace

Dear Lord,

I did it again. That one thing I shouldn’t do – it puts a ridge between You and I, makes me feel like I smell of sin and dirt – I did it again. I fell into its persistent cooing and savoured its bittersweet flavour.

Was this how Judas felt when he betrayed You, or David after he indulged in lust? The turmoil in my mind weakens me. I can’t seem to remember who I was before – how passionate I was for You, and I can’t figure out how to solve this awkwardness that my actions have caused. I must be too far gone, too dirty, too repulsive. Can you still reach me?

Even now, as I write, the word ‘Grace’ booms in my thoughts and fills my head.

Of course, I know of Your grace Lord. I know it is good, it is powerful, it is healing. But in this very situation, sin’s grip on me is strong, stubborn, and I can’t help but doubt that Your grace can reach me.

Just now, I heard you say, “My grace is here for this. In this moment where you feel unreachable, my grace will reach you.”

A verse drops on my heart: “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9).

But Lord, I’m ashamed to lean into grace. Should I not be punished for my worst sin? Over and over, Your Word speaks against it, and yet I fall into its trap – formed differently, dazzling more than ever, but ultimately still the same sin.

And again, another verse has invaded my thoughts: “So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death.” (Romans 8:1-2).

You beautifully remind me that as I belong to You, I am not condemned to a life of guilt. And what’s more, I am freed from the power of sin! But coming to terms with what I’ve done and accepting the grace you pour out to me feels hard. I feel unworthy but still, I will try. I will open the door of my heart, welcoming your ‘Life-giving Spirit’ to enter every room of my heart, even the darkest and dirtiest ones.

I do not have things all figured out, but even in this moment of weakness, I will lean on you. On mercy, on forgiveness, on grace. Your Word clears my doubts: Your grace holds me now.

I do not have it all figured out, but You do. That is the beauty of Your grace.

Words by Precious Umeh

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